I see a lot of my thoughts in this page. I see them beautifully said, with the earnestness which I think is the first step to faith.
I've come to believe in my own way, pursuing depth in faith in a path uniquely mine. And I'm comfortable with my imperfect worship. I think we all carry God's divinity inside, and learning how to connect to it is what allows us to experience and communicate our Creator. Who knows if I'm "right." But it feels right.
I love the courage by which you always tackle these my friend.
Thank you, Camilo, so much. I think religious culture in the states is force fed to look one particular way. It is the Christians against the Baptists, the Baptists against the Catholics, the Catholics against everyone. Adopting the mindset you so confidently hold that an individuals relationship with God is a sacred and more importantly, unique one, with imperfections and differences is something I will strive towards.
Oh my soul!! Beautiful heart. I publish a primer on faith 12/2 - I’ll send you the text if you want.
I’ve been in the evangelical space for 25 years professionally and I have come to learn that the Bible teaches a different picture of God: he is just and gracious without compromising either.
Faith is a divinely given disposition of rest not of fear and worry, nor of work or doing good.
I’d love to chat. I considered leaving the faith many times only to find myself asleep at my father’s feet, safe and secure not worrying about his watch at all.
James it was so nice to see you in my comments. I would love to read the primer on faith you wrote as I am on the hunt for introductory material to get my feet wet. Thank you so much for leaving such a lovely comment. It would be really nice to talk about this in more depth at some point soon. Sending my best
When you write about floundering in the unknown, I relate heavily. But I’ve been trying, more successfully these last few years then before, is to become comfortable in that uncertain state.
So much of searching for faith has a predetermined end point.
If you do X you’ll believe and everything will be clear.
But why can’t the search be the purpose?
That’s what I’m trying to embrace. The search. The wondering. The getting comfortable sitting in the dark instead of straining so hard for light that I hurt myself.
Mystery is good! Wonderful! Beautiful!
Thank you for sharing, I love open conversations about the Capital B, big questions , especially when they come from a perspective of honest questioning
This is super insightful: That’s what I’m trying to embrace. The search. The wondering. The getting comfortable sitting in the dark instead of straining so hard for light that I hurt myself.
Interestingly the definition of faith is not having evidence or proof. So the whole enchilada is not knowing. Wonder and mystery.
Jared this was so lovely to read, thank you for dropping me a comment. I am not sure why it never dawned on me that "searching" could be the purpose. I have always seen faith as a final destination - believe in God, live your life in service of God, go to heaven.
I had a friend say the other day that God created us to be critical thinkers which means that God created us knowing that we would question his existence. The questioning of the mystery commences the journey.
Thank you again for sharing, I loved this comment.
"In the beginning was the word." It seems to me your instinct to write and the way you are drawn to the word may be a form of faith that is so intrinsic to your being that you can't see it. And even if your writing isn't doing that for you, you evoke faith in me with your words. I am restored to faith in the beauty, the detail, the sharp taste and curving beauty of the mundane made gorgeous in the lap of your words. To me you are celebrating this Existence whenever you write.
Rick, I don't even know how to properly respond to this comment. I have been thinking on it for a while now and I really think the only suitable response is to give you a hug, though that will have to wait, but I will save it.
I feel undeserving of these words but I believe that you believe that they are true and for that I am endlessly grateful. Thank you, Rick.
This is beautiful Haley :) such a challenging and diffuse landscape to navigate but you do it with grace, as always.
I grew up going to church every Sunday, went to Sunday school downstairs because I wasn’t old enough to sit in for sermons. Then at some point church got replaced by hockey practice on Sunday mornings, and being a goalie became my religion.
Anyways, I recently bought a version of the Bible (that’s apparently much more readable and in story format) and I’ve been studying the genesis stories for a few weeks now. I think I sit in a similar position as you with faith. No atheist but trying to figure out what I believe.
Thank you, Tommy. Would love to talk religion at some point. It sounds like we are sitting in similar spots questioning the mystery of a creator. Let me know what you think of that story version of the bible :)
Wow Haley. As a recovering Roman Catholic that is also recently considering foraying back into the stories of the bible and other teachings, I relate to this piece so much. I came here from your newer Substack post, and I'll be reading Steven's after this too.
Your honesty is beautiful and refreshing Haley. I think a lot of people who believe in God have doubts but church culture doesn't make it easy for people to express them.
I'm reminded of the verse 'Lord I believe, help my unbelief'. God wants us to be real with him and each other. It's a journey and I'm really glad you are on it too, a fellow soujourner. I'm very happy to chat further too . X
Haley, this is so beautifully expressed. I went through similar. I was brought up Baptist then Pentecostal in the buckle of the Bible Belt, Oklahoma. I started in a small town, then lived where evangelists are cultivated at Oral Robert’s University. Christianity was all I knew and believed.
Then I lived in different places and met different people. I went to school and learned of different ways of being. I learned of atrocities committed in the name of religion no matter which religion, even Christianity.
I began searching for a church that didn’t create the otherness that became uncomfortable for me. It didn’t exist.
I’ve since broadened my definition of god. We are all one. Everything part of one ecosystem belonging to itself. We are gifted this time on earth so that we may experience who we are, fully.
Heaven and hell exist concurrently within us and all around us. We are in heaven and hell right now. We have abundance, love, and the miraculous gift of life, heaven. We, collective and individual, have suffering which is hell. Hell is not a physical manifestation of a fiery furnace. A fiery furnace is a metaphor because when you’re in the depths of it, it feels eternal.
What we are searching for we already have. God allows ourselves to experience heaven and hell so we can know what being is. There’s such beauty and freedom in this. I don’t have to become anything. I am enough. Every experience can be boiled down to love and fear. The beauty is, in each moment, we get to choose. We can choose to love ourselves, aka the great I Am. In choosing love -- loving ourselves, loving others, loving where we are -- we find peace, a peace that passes all understanding.
Thank you for sharing such an honest, vulnerable, and beautiful piece.
Haley, this is such a beautifully beautifully written essay. I don't have answers for you, but I can share my own experience. There was a time when I wondered, "Why do I still call him God?" And then realized, that's just his name and that was how he was introduced to me in church as a 6 year old. And he comes in many forms and genders and experiences to different people. I had my reintroduction to him as the feeling of loneliness during cancer recovery... I'm not sure if that makes sense, but you're totally inspiring me to write about it. <3
I think about it often and I have questioned it since I took a course in college that examined the history of the bible. I was surprised by the differences between the catholic and protestant bible, but shocked to learn of the biblical apocrypha and the Council of Nicaea. It was a revelation for someone who grew up in close proximity to neighbors who believe the bible is the literal word of God.
More recently the idea of preterism, that the prophecy has been fulfilled, leads me to question claims that explain away recent events as signs of the end times rather than focusing on the evil committed by man on his brother against God.
Whether you believe in God, or Jesus, a higher power or nothing at all it's yours to understand and to shape. Speaking to friends who do not share my Judeo-Christian belief I do not prejudge or dismiss their belief because it differs from mine. It is for your own self to know.
Haley, you precisely put my thoughts into words. What I’m pissed about is that, for a long time, I had a pretty cool relationship with “Jesus” as a character. I also loved the dark cathartic turmoil of Lent: The precious annual ritual of quiet remorse but also self forgiveness and redemption. But then it was people who ruined it all with their lust for political gain (see: The Bible). CS Lewis is a great example of the humble purity of what Christianity could stand for (if the rest of humanity just stayed out of it.) Unfortunately, when you feel this way, it gets pretty damn lonely and trust erodes. Dabbling with atheism helped release so much of the performative pressure... To figure out how to love myself because I’m worthy no strings attached. Ironic hey? I absolutely love and agree with folks here about fostering a sense of faith in the unknown, “the mystery”... again ironic, but a completely different interpretation of the Bible’s. To tell our god of choice, “hey is it cool if I don’t really believe in you, but instead I’ll believe in the mystery? Would it be ok if I stay open to any possibility? To be more inclusive and, therefore, more embracing of all who walk this earth?” To that, MY interpretation of Jesus (insert your figure here) would say, “For sure! That’s what I’m saying!”
I’m so glad that you released this. I’ve been thinking about faith a lot lately, and managed to synthesize this idea that god can’t interfere or interact because people in power will not allow it. I don’t know if that makes sense. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
I see a lot of my thoughts in this page. I see them beautifully said, with the earnestness which I think is the first step to faith.
I've come to believe in my own way, pursuing depth in faith in a path uniquely mine. And I'm comfortable with my imperfect worship. I think we all carry God's divinity inside, and learning how to connect to it is what allows us to experience and communicate our Creator. Who knows if I'm "right." But it feels right.
I love the courage by which you always tackle these my friend.
“Who knows if I'm "right." But it feels right.”
Amen.
Thank you, Camilo, so much. I think religious culture in the states is force fed to look one particular way. It is the Christians against the Baptists, the Baptists against the Catholics, the Catholics against everyone. Adopting the mindset you so confidently hold that an individuals relationship with God is a sacred and more importantly, unique one, with imperfections and differences is something I will strive towards.
Oh my soul!! Beautiful heart. I publish a primer on faith 12/2 - I’ll send you the text if you want.
I’ve been in the evangelical space for 25 years professionally and I have come to learn that the Bible teaches a different picture of God: he is just and gracious without compromising either.
Faith is a divinely given disposition of rest not of fear and worry, nor of work or doing good.
I’d love to chat. I considered leaving the faith many times only to find myself asleep at my father’s feet, safe and secure not worrying about his watch at all.
Send to me too please!
James it was so nice to see you in my comments. I would love to read the primer on faith you wrote as I am on the hunt for introductory material to get my feet wet. Thank you so much for leaving such a lovely comment. It would be really nice to talk about this in more depth at some point soon. Sending my best
When you write about floundering in the unknown, I relate heavily. But I’ve been trying, more successfully these last few years then before, is to become comfortable in that uncertain state.
So much of searching for faith has a predetermined end point.
If you do X you’ll believe and everything will be clear.
But why can’t the search be the purpose?
That’s what I’m trying to embrace. The search. The wondering. The getting comfortable sitting in the dark instead of straining so hard for light that I hurt myself.
Mystery is good! Wonderful! Beautiful!
Thank you for sharing, I love open conversations about the Capital B, big questions , especially when they come from a perspective of honest questioning
This is super insightful: That’s what I’m trying to embrace. The search. The wondering. The getting comfortable sitting in the dark instead of straining so hard for light that I hurt myself.
Interestingly the definition of faith is not having evidence or proof. So the whole enchilada is not knowing. Wonder and mystery.
Jared this was so lovely to read, thank you for dropping me a comment. I am not sure why it never dawned on me that "searching" could be the purpose. I have always seen faith as a final destination - believe in God, live your life in service of God, go to heaven.
I had a friend say the other day that God created us to be critical thinkers which means that God created us knowing that we would question his existence. The questioning of the mystery commences the journey.
Thank you again for sharing, I loved this comment.
"In the beginning was the word." It seems to me your instinct to write and the way you are drawn to the word may be a form of faith that is so intrinsic to your being that you can't see it. And even if your writing isn't doing that for you, you evoke faith in me with your words. I am restored to faith in the beauty, the detail, the sharp taste and curving beauty of the mundane made gorgeous in the lap of your words. To me you are celebrating this Existence whenever you write.
Rick, I don't even know how to properly respond to this comment. I have been thinking on it for a while now and I really think the only suitable response is to give you a hug, though that will have to wait, but I will save it.
I feel undeserving of these words but I believe that you believe that they are true and for that I am endlessly grateful. Thank you, Rick.
: )
This is beautiful Haley :) such a challenging and diffuse landscape to navigate but you do it with grace, as always.
I grew up going to church every Sunday, went to Sunday school downstairs because I wasn’t old enough to sit in for sermons. Then at some point church got replaced by hockey practice on Sunday mornings, and being a goalie became my religion.
Anyways, I recently bought a version of the Bible (that’s apparently much more readable and in story format) and I’ve been studying the genesis stories for a few weeks now. I think I sit in a similar position as you with faith. No atheist but trying to figure out what I believe.
Loved this :) go you
Thank you, Tommy. Would love to talk religion at some point. It sounds like we are sitting in similar spots questioning the mystery of a creator. Let me know what you think of that story version of the bible :)
Wow Haley. As a recovering Roman Catholic that is also recently considering foraying back into the stories of the bible and other teachings, I relate to this piece so much. I came here from your newer Substack post, and I'll be reading Steven's after this too.
Thank you so much Becky. Steven's was such a wonderful read, as always. Thank you for being here :)
Your honesty is beautiful and refreshing Haley. I think a lot of people who believe in God have doubts but church culture doesn't make it easy for people to express them.
I'm reminded of the verse 'Lord I believe, help my unbelief'. God wants us to be real with him and each other. It's a journey and I'm really glad you are on it too, a fellow soujourner. I'm very happy to chat further too . X
Haley, this is so beautifully expressed. I went through similar. I was brought up Baptist then Pentecostal in the buckle of the Bible Belt, Oklahoma. I started in a small town, then lived where evangelists are cultivated at Oral Robert’s University. Christianity was all I knew and believed.
Then I lived in different places and met different people. I went to school and learned of different ways of being. I learned of atrocities committed in the name of religion no matter which religion, even Christianity.
I began searching for a church that didn’t create the otherness that became uncomfortable for me. It didn’t exist.
I’ve since broadened my definition of god. We are all one. Everything part of one ecosystem belonging to itself. We are gifted this time on earth so that we may experience who we are, fully.
Heaven and hell exist concurrently within us and all around us. We are in heaven and hell right now. We have abundance, love, and the miraculous gift of life, heaven. We, collective and individual, have suffering which is hell. Hell is not a physical manifestation of a fiery furnace. A fiery furnace is a metaphor because when you’re in the depths of it, it feels eternal.
What we are searching for we already have. God allows ourselves to experience heaven and hell so we can know what being is. There’s such beauty and freedom in this. I don’t have to become anything. I am enough. Every experience can be boiled down to love and fear. The beauty is, in each moment, we get to choose. We can choose to love ourselves, aka the great I Am. In choosing love -- loving ourselves, loving others, loving where we are -- we find peace, a peace that passes all understanding.
Thank you for sharing such an honest, vulnerable, and beautiful piece.
Haley, this is such a beautifully beautifully written essay. I don't have answers for you, but I can share my own experience. There was a time when I wondered, "Why do I still call him God?" And then realized, that's just his name and that was how he was introduced to me in church as a 6 year old. And he comes in many forms and genders and experiences to different people. I had my reintroduction to him as the feeling of loneliness during cancer recovery... I'm not sure if that makes sense, but you're totally inspiring me to write about it. <3
Beautiful reflections Haley. You expressed a lot of what I grapple with as well. Excited to learn from you on this journey.
I think about it often and I have questioned it since I took a course in college that examined the history of the bible. I was surprised by the differences between the catholic and protestant bible, but shocked to learn of the biblical apocrypha and the Council of Nicaea. It was a revelation for someone who grew up in close proximity to neighbors who believe the bible is the literal word of God.
More recently the idea of preterism, that the prophecy has been fulfilled, leads me to question claims that explain away recent events as signs of the end times rather than focusing on the evil committed by man on his brother against God.
Whether you believe in God, or Jesus, a higher power or nothing at all it's yours to understand and to shape. Speaking to friends who do not share my Judeo-Christian belief I do not prejudge or dismiss their belief because it differs from mine. It is for your own self to know.
Haley, you precisely put my thoughts into words. What I’m pissed about is that, for a long time, I had a pretty cool relationship with “Jesus” as a character. I also loved the dark cathartic turmoil of Lent: The precious annual ritual of quiet remorse but also self forgiveness and redemption. But then it was people who ruined it all with their lust for political gain (see: The Bible). CS Lewis is a great example of the humble purity of what Christianity could stand for (if the rest of humanity just stayed out of it.) Unfortunately, when you feel this way, it gets pretty damn lonely and trust erodes. Dabbling with atheism helped release so much of the performative pressure... To figure out how to love myself because I’m worthy no strings attached. Ironic hey? I absolutely love and agree with folks here about fostering a sense of faith in the unknown, “the mystery”... again ironic, but a completely different interpretation of the Bible’s. To tell our god of choice, “hey is it cool if I don’t really believe in you, but instead I’ll believe in the mystery? Would it be ok if I stay open to any possibility? To be more inclusive and, therefore, more embracing of all who walk this earth?” To that, MY interpretation of Jesus (insert your figure here) would say, “For sure! That’s what I’m saying!”
I’m so glad that you released this. I’ve been thinking about faith a lot lately, and managed to synthesize this idea that god can’t interfere or interact because people in power will not allow it. I don’t know if that makes sense. I’d love to hear your thoughts.