The trees are doing their best

but what if we assumed everyone else is too?

Read aloud:

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In this week’s essay, I continue examining last week’s topic of empathy, by answering two questions:

1. What if we assumed that everyone is doing the best they can?

2. What does the topic of empathy have to offer all of us?

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A long, long time ago - before you and me - there lived an optimistic squirrel who packed his deep cheek pockets a little too tightly with acorns. An acorn slipped through his puffy cheeks burrowing into the moist soil that lay along a glassy riverbed. The acorn wrapped itself tightly in a soil cocoon where it would metamorphose into the roots of an oak tree. His fingery roots stretched their tendons further into the earth as a sapling body gracefully poked its head through the rich ground. Uninterrupted sunlight flooded the young oak’s leaves and fresh spring water nourished his roots through maturation. Enchanting hues of green cascaded down winding branches and through each season of reddening and crisping leaves he towered taller and blossomed into deeper wisdom.

At his base, the squirrels wrestled and played catch with acorns scattering seeds across the open field. He watched other saplings sprout from the ground - a cinema showcasing the story of life beneath his canopy. He watched young trees wither through droughts and lightning scorch branches black; he watched sunlight paint leaves vibrant green and acorns drop the possibility of more life into the earth.

He grew in understanding and connection to the ecosystem around him - the trees blocked from sunlight grew only so high and the trees whose roots were deprived of water struggled to prosper while the trees with adequate resources thrived. He observed his brothers and sisters grow to accommodate one another as a thick canopy decorated the one open field. They communicated, cooperated, and formed community; sharing resources, protecting the young, and passing down wisdom from their ancestors.

They knew that every tree was doing the best it could. And being exactly who it was born to be.

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A few months back, a question was asked of me in conversation, “do you think that everyone is doing the best they can?”.

A hasty, impulsive reaction erupted within me. I felt appalled, even slightly offended by the question. Stories of school shootings, terrorist attacks, domestic abuse, drug epidemics, and other horrors washed over me chilling as ice water. Absolutely not, not everyone is doing the best they can, I snapped back.

Not at all surprised by my visceral response - clearly indicating they have asked this question of others many times before - my friend probed me deeper.

“Did you consider what information, context, and experiences this person had available to make the decision they made?”,

“did you imagine their upbringing?”,

“are you assuming that this person made the decisions they made having the same privileges you have?”.

To all of these questions I responded, no, with each question hitting me deeper, but it was her last question that flipped me inside out. This question ripped my deepest, most shame-ridden secrets from my depths exposing them to me all at once.

She asked, “In your worst moments, were you doing the best you could?”

Yes.

Looking back, the notion that I could have made a better decision at the time is false. The reality is that we cannot make decisions that are unbiased of our history - our choices are subconsciously made through the conclusive summation of our experiences, knowledge, and upbringing. Just like the trees, no matter how far we grow, it is from the tips of our roots that we draw wisdom and nourishment. A singular variable shift could impact a lifetime of decision-making.

My body was turning right side out again as I slowly made sense of the conversation. I mouthed the question “Do you think that everyone is doing the best they can?” over and over again to myself.

My inconclusive conclusion to the question is that it is quite nearly impossible to answer. Given the one body, brain, and moral code we are given, it is unfathomable to answer this question on behalf of humanity - and not only is it inconceivable, it is ethically challenging.

What I do think is that the original question is missing the point. Whether the answer is yes - an overtly optimistic outlook - or no - a pessimistic outlook - the outcome doesn’t change anything. So what if we asked a question that reshaped our perspective of humanity entirely? A question that challenged us to seek depth where we typically only see the surface? A question that advocated for empathy above all else?

What if we asked,

“What if we assumed that everyone is doing the best they can?”

This question empowers us.

This question, rather than focusing on unknown hypotheticals, asks us to imagine what it would be like to hold empathy in place of judgment.

Empathy in place of judgment.

What dazzles me about this question is knowing that its impact is just as powerful to you as it is to the strangers you walk past today. Humans are inclined to favor mutually beneficial affairs - we want to know how something is going to impact us in addition to knowing that the common good is enhanced.

Admittedly, as I sit with this question, I realize I am no exception to this phenomenon. The first place my mind goes is not focusing on a behavioral change for myself - that is coming in a close second. My mind first fixates on wondering how this behavioral change among everyone else will increase my quality of life.

My hope for you is that when you are done reading this essay that you too will contemplate what your life would look like if everyone assumed you were doing the best you could.

Perhaps your list, like mine, will grow longer and deeper until you reach total conviction. And then something special happens - when you imagine a life in which empathy replaces judgment, you realize that the only place to start is within yourself. Pondering how the question impacts you, in return mobilizes you to provide the same impact for others. It is a beautifully giving cycle.

I’ll ask these questions one more time -

1. What if we assumed that everyone is doing the best they can?

   Empathy would replace judgment.

2. What does the topic of empathy have to offer all of us?

   Higher heads and confident shoulders would fill our streets. We would be slower to talk and quicker to listen. Understanding would battle assumption for the head seat at the table. We would seek depth where we usually only see the surface. We would lead with authenticity. We would form community, communicate, and cooperate like the trees. We would act out of abundance instead of scarcity. Love instead of fear.

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Thank you for being here and for reading. If you have the time, drop me a comment below, I’d love to know your thoughts and reactions to this piece. Thank you for supporting my work and if you’re feeling extra compelled, please share it with a friend.