The toughness doctrine has valuable messages like, "Get up and keep moving." But what comes at the end is different for boys than it is for girls. I watched the best coaches of my daughters' soccer teams add the extra, "Be brave." It speaks to the girls' emotions. The male coaches don't add that exta bit. They and the boys know the extra unspoken words at the end: don't be a baby, don't be a girl, or worse. I would read many more essays from you on this topic.
I love this essay. I grew up similarly, instinctively understanding that boys were worth more. Wanting to be seen, I worked to hold my own in anything considered tough.
"Tough means choosing to endure hell in the face of abundance."
I love this one, Haley. Also, I’ve been typing and re-typing a comment on your essay last week. It was beautiful and moving and i just don’t know exactly what i want to convey in a note to you-- but I’ll just say, “thanks.” It had me thinking about my own faith, my own journey. The last line rings in my ears. Bravo. ♥️
I love that you call out this false duality we've been indoctrinated with. This reminds me of Brene Brown's whole point that vulnerability is not weakness.
I loved this piece Haley. In my mind, allowing yourself to experience sadness and anger, telling people when they hurt your feelings and being soft are in themselves a form of toughness. Or if not toughness in the traditional sense you described, then strength.
I think that showing up as our softest and most forgiving selves is often a lot harder than showing up as indestructible.
"I don’t care to be tough anymore. At least not performatively. I am much softer now. I feel everything, sometimes too much. I allow myself to experience sadness and anger. I tell people when they hurt my feelings instead of handling mistreatment like medicine. I don’t worry about being perceived as soft, at least I am feeling again."
This is a beautiful expression of growth from suppressing feelings (even Elsa says it - "conceal, don't feel, don't let them know") to embracing the oscillations of life. What a great reminder for toughness as a tool and not a crutch. This is a beautiful one, Haley.
Wow I love how this turned out Haley. It’s so cool to get a little inside view to your writing process & see how you work through iterations of a draft. Learning a lot.
From my perspective, you have such a beautiful combination of strength & softness, toughness & tenderness, i think a lot about how I can balance the two in a similar way.
Sensitivity and masculinity still seem at odds to me, in some ways.
As a testament to your recent progress your vulnerability and heart, in writing and in person, do not evidence any of the scar tissue of these childhood challenges. You seem to be standing on the shoulders of that past.
This is an essay I’m going to share with others, and that I see myself returning to. Congrats on a beautiful piece of writing.
The toughness doctrine has valuable messages like, "Get up and keep moving." But what comes at the end is different for boys than it is for girls. I watched the best coaches of my daughters' soccer teams add the extra, "Be brave." It speaks to the girls' emotions. The male coaches don't add that exta bit. They and the boys know the extra unspoken words at the end: don't be a baby, don't be a girl, or worse. I would read many more essays from you on this topic.
I love this essay. I grew up similarly, instinctively understanding that boys were worth more. Wanting to be seen, I worked to hold my own in anything considered tough.
"Tough means choosing to endure hell in the face of abundance."
I love this one, Haley. Also, I’ve been typing and re-typing a comment on your essay last week. It was beautiful and moving and i just don’t know exactly what i want to convey in a note to you-- but I’ll just say, “thanks.” It had me thinking about my own faith, my own journey. The last line rings in my ears. Bravo. ♥️
I love that you call out this false duality we've been indoctrinated with. This reminds me of Brene Brown's whole point that vulnerability is not weakness.
Nice piece... thanks
I loved this piece Haley. In my mind, allowing yourself to experience sadness and anger, telling people when they hurt your feelings and being soft are in themselves a form of toughness. Or if not toughness in the traditional sense you described, then strength.
I think that showing up as our softest and most forgiving selves is often a lot harder than showing up as indestructible.
"I don’t care to be tough anymore. At least not performatively. I am much softer now. I feel everything, sometimes too much. I allow myself to experience sadness and anger. I tell people when they hurt my feelings instead of handling mistreatment like medicine. I don’t worry about being perceived as soft, at least I am feeling again."
This is a beautiful expression of growth from suppressing feelings (even Elsa says it - "conceal, don't feel, don't let them know") to embracing the oscillations of life. What a great reminder for toughness as a tool and not a crutch. This is a beautiful one, Haley.
Thank you for sharing this, Haley ❤️ Lots of it resonate as I also grew up as 'one of the boys'.
Wow I love how this turned out Haley. It’s so cool to get a little inside view to your writing process & see how you work through iterations of a draft. Learning a lot.
From my perspective, you have such a beautiful combination of strength & softness, toughness & tenderness, i think a lot about how I can balance the two in a similar way.
Sensitivity and masculinity still seem at odds to me, in some ways.
Awesome work on this!
As a testament to your recent progress your vulnerability and heart, in writing and in person, do not evidence any of the scar tissue of these childhood challenges. You seem to be standing on the shoulders of that past.