I feel as though I watch you give birth every time you publish an essay. Allowing acts of nature to come through the human body is no small thing, but the words and subjects you midwife are like small beings that will have their own life and impact others in the world. Even we men have our own forms of pregnancy and delivery. That you're willing to line up with the acts of creation that are suited to your being is an demonstration of authenticity and courage. I celebrate you and your choices.
and Rick I celebrate you my friend! Sometimes I wonder (probably like everyone else) that if my writing matters and if it has the potential to impact anyone or anything. This comment brings me ease; it encourages me to keep writing and not to question the downstream impact as much. And yes! Men too have their own forms of pregnancy and delivery - though I cannot begin to relate, it is important to honor that journey as well. Thank you so much.
Haley, this is so good. I know the societal pressure on men to be a father is much less existent than that on women to be mothers, but I very much relate to your story. I was in my mid-30s before I even entertained the idea of children. Every relationship I had up to that point came to an end as soon as they reached the point where the topics of commitment or children surfaced.
Like you, I always worried that I would lose myself to parenthood. I have a different perspective on that now. I believe becoming a parent can help you find out who you really are. It can help reveal to yourself what you really believe about some of the most important things in life. I could talk about this forever, so if you ever want to chat about this topic, just let me know.
To be clear, I absolutely believe that people can live a wonderful and fulfilled life without children, but as someone who became a dad in his late 30s and who knows several women who became moms well into their mid and late 30s, I would encourage you not to close the door on the idea.
Thank you, Randy, I appreciate your support of both life paths, and I am happy that the path you chose for yourself has been fulfilling. I would love to talk about it. Cheryl Strayed has a quote I love that talks about all of the lives we don't live as passing ships that all we can do is honor and salute from the shore knowing that they were equally meaningful but not ours. I always thought that was a beautiful way to think about all of the choices ( and lives) we have walked away from.
Respectfully, she has already written how she has talked to women who have said it's the best thing they ever did and women who have had children because they felt made to be one, and ones who have chosen to even when they didn't feel made for it.
I don't want to speak for Haley, but as someone who has had this conversation many times with men and women alike, it feels very dismissive to be encouraged not to close the door on an idea I have already closed the door on.
Thanks for hopping in here Amanda. My hope for myself is that I remain open to all of the possibilities of life, even the ones, such as motherhood, that my mind seems more called towards one path or another. There are no closed doors like you said, just some doors I may have to push harder on as time passes. Thank you for reading and for your encouraging comment. I appreciate you being here.
Although I don't anticipate changing my mind, I cannot fully close myself off to that possibility. Randy is a friend and I appreciate his, and everyone else's, perspectives on parenthood. Thank you for reading Kim and thank you also for sharing in your below comment about your decision to not have children!
This was beautiful. I too have never wanted children (even from a young age) and there is nothing I value more than my sovereignty! (And I am also part of WOP 11!)
Never did I ever think I would see you in my comments and how moly I am blushing. Thank you so much Elle. I was so shocked (in the best way possible) to see you in the WoP live session. I hope that our paths cross over the next five weeks and if not, I would love to chat when time lends itself. I value your writing immensely and I am so grateful you took the time to read and leave me your kind words.
Oh my god you know my work? What an honor!!!! Your writing is incredible and I would be happy to chat at any time!!!!!!!!!!! Hit me up! elle@elysian.press!
Stumbled on this via Latham’s share. I want to just shout from the rooftops: SAME GIRL SAME. I wish I had read this at least a decade (if not more) ago. I’m 43 now and have made so much peace with my decision, but I wish I had this eloquent and emotionally charged defense at my disposal way back when (right down to the “unwanted” and “doormat”) Also: Goes without saying but you are worth your weight in gold with or without offspring.
E.L., wow. Thank you for such a thoughtful comment. I am so glad that you found this post through Latham and likewise, I am so happy that you have found peace with your decision. This essay was scary to publish - I often feel like I stand alone on this island of not desiring children - but it is comments like yours that make me realize I am in good company. Thank you for reading and for sharing part of your story. It means so much.
This piece had a depth and flow that was scroll stopping strong. I couldn't look away and now here I am, a contemplative spending far more than seconds in your comments section.
At this time all I can find is an invitation for us to converse again. What a subject!
Oh boy, I know when Steven Foster comments on my essay I did something right haha. Thank you for reading and for pausing to offer me your thoughts. I look forward to all of our conversations whenever I am so lucky as to have them. I am grateful for you.
Emma, thank you for commenting and for reading 💛 I feel warmth that this essay resonates with you and at the same time, bit of sadness that line in particular called out to you. Hugs.
I treasured every moment of this and it captured my feelings of being childless by choice so well.
I'm 31 years old, and still get asked this question. Some older people still insist that I will change my mind--but I already did. When I was a child I wanted kids, and then I realized it wasn't for me.
Hi again Amanda! Thank you so much for leaving me your kind words. It is such a funny thing right? - the outside pressure to follow the same life path. I can speculate for days about what the root of this is but often I settle on people wanting others to experience the delight of parenting. For some of us, this same delight just comes from other pockets of life!
I have had so many people smugly smile at me and tell me I'd change my mind about wanting kids. Well, guess what? It's definitely not gonna happen now because it's all be yanked out. Bite me.
I think that we have one duty in life and that is to do as our hearts tell us to do.
You shared a bit of your story when you reshared this essay - thank you for sharing and thank you for setting an example that there is no right and wrong as it pertains to our bodies. I am sorry you went through the throes of medical professionals denying you what you felt was right for you. Thank you for reading Patricia
Beautiful, thank you for your vulnerability and careful craft. So much of this resonates with me. During years of struggle with infertility, I learned to answer people who blatantly asked, "When are you having kids?" with "Why do you want to know?" There's no excuse for pressuring anyone on such a tender, private subject. Especially in the casual, thoughtless way it's usually asked. Your life is your business.
Our son is 21 now, a fine young man. Being his mother is a great honor and difficulty, joyful and painful beyond what I ever imagined. I've always held my own creative life, my purpose for being here, as precious and worthy of protection. It's a tough balance, even still.
Thank you so much for your comment Julie. I have listened to the pains of close family members and friends who have grieved through infertility and miscarriage. I am sorry that the pain of infertility was a part of your journey. Like you said, the choice to bring life into this world IS tender; I think we often forget just how tender it is. There is pain and joy and honor that comes with motherhood and I am happy that amongst those emotions you have found balance in your life to preserve your creative self and purpose. Thank you for sharing and for being here!
You beautifully illustrated one of the (many) struggles of being a woman. I love how you wove elements of yourself from different periods in your life into this essay. Your writing is captivating and so vulnerable. I haven't been able to get the quote "Fear that screams that womanhood is less meaningful if it is not motherhood". I have never been able to put that particular feeling into words the way you did. I think this essay can make a lot of women feel seen. Thank you for sharing such a personal story.
Thank you Olivia 💛 I didn’t have those words until they came out of me either. I hope you’ll find that is the joy of Write of Passage. Being surrounded by creators and artists, brings wisdom and words to the surface you didn’t even know you possessed. Thank you for helping me bring this essay to life.
Hi Haley, as a mom, childless women are/have been my best allies in creating real,village-like community for my girls. Other moms are often too invested in their own kids, their own stuff,or just totally burned out. I think there are so many times and ways we can step into that mother role without birthing children. Especially in the baby stage of mothering, it's very isolating, so even just being the friend who shows up with coffee or juice is a big f-ing deal. I don't keep in touch with a friend, but I still remember that she showed up at my house with fresh juice when I had a new baby. Being a mom has transformed my life and who I am in really beautiful ways AND it's really hard. I think you can have a beautiful, challenging life either way.
Amy this was such a lovely comment to read. The first thing that comes to mind is “it takes a village”. No matter how many times this phrase gets repeated it will never become a cliche for me. We all play integral roles and I really appreciate that you honor the roles that other women play as indirect caregivers.
Thank you for reading, commenting, and sharing your support. This comment brought me great joy and ease.
I decided I didn’t want to have kids at 7 years old and I never changed my mind. Best decision I made. One day I’ll have to actually write about this. I’m coming to realize that way back then I instinctively knew that I’d end up having to raise myself all over again as an adult.
Sarah I feel like this is a 4-sentence summary of my 1,500 word essay haha! I'd love to hear how that early decision has impacted your life and shaped the person you are. Thank you for sharing. I feel less alone in what has always made me feel like an outsider. Thank you for reading!
Hi Haley, I’m glad my 4 sentences made you feel less alone. Sometimes, as a 43 year old woman who never thought of having kids, I forgot how rare that decision is. I’ll hear ads on pandora geared towards busy moms and think, what are they talking about. When I was younger I thought I made that decision because of how I saw my Mom struggle as a mother of 6 with an alcoholic, broke ass husband. I couldn’t imagine having had a child in my 20’s and trying to discover myself and grow up all over again. It would have been a disaster, especially since I chose to follow in the footsteps of the substance abuse my dad displayed. I started getting sober at the start of the pandemic. My choice to not have kids feels so natural to me. I thank my 7 year old self for my wisdom, and you should, too.
Thank you so much Tommy. Seeing you in my comments always brings a smile to my face. Thank you for reading and always offering your kindness and encouragement. And likewise, thank you for writing in an equally honest, vulnerable way that feeds me inspiration.
I feel as though I watch you give birth every time you publish an essay. Allowing acts of nature to come through the human body is no small thing, but the words and subjects you midwife are like small beings that will have their own life and impact others in the world. Even we men have our own forms of pregnancy and delivery. That you're willing to line up with the acts of creation that are suited to your being is an demonstration of authenticity and courage. I celebrate you and your choices.
and Rick I celebrate you my friend! Sometimes I wonder (probably like everyone else) that if my writing matters and if it has the potential to impact anyone or anything. This comment brings me ease; it encourages me to keep writing and not to question the downstream impact as much. And yes! Men too have their own forms of pregnancy and delivery - though I cannot begin to relate, it is important to honor that journey as well. Thank you so much.
I also feel like this writing was like the natural act of releasing partially digested food back up and out through the mouth.
Hi Kyle. I am sorry you felt that way. Thank you for reading anyways.
Haley, this is so good. I know the societal pressure on men to be a father is much less existent than that on women to be mothers, but I very much relate to your story. I was in my mid-30s before I even entertained the idea of children. Every relationship I had up to that point came to an end as soon as they reached the point where the topics of commitment or children surfaced.
Like you, I always worried that I would lose myself to parenthood. I have a different perspective on that now. I believe becoming a parent can help you find out who you really are. It can help reveal to yourself what you really believe about some of the most important things in life. I could talk about this forever, so if you ever want to chat about this topic, just let me know.
To be clear, I absolutely believe that people can live a wonderful and fulfilled life without children, but as someone who became a dad in his late 30s and who knows several women who became moms well into their mid and late 30s, I would encourage you not to close the door on the idea.
Thank you, Randy, I appreciate your support of both life paths, and I am happy that the path you chose for yourself has been fulfilling. I would love to talk about it. Cheryl Strayed has a quote I love that talks about all of the lives we don't live as passing ships that all we can do is honor and salute from the shore knowing that they were equally meaningful but not ours. I always thought that was a beautiful way to think about all of the choices ( and lives) we have walked away from.
Respectfully, she has already written how she has talked to women who have said it's the best thing they ever did and women who have had children because they felt made to be one, and ones who have chosen to even when they didn't feel made for it.
I don't want to speak for Haley, but as someone who has had this conversation many times with men and women alike, it feels very dismissive to be encouraged not to close the door on an idea I have already closed the door on.
Thanks for hopping in here Amanda. My hope for myself is that I remain open to all of the possibilities of life, even the ones, such as motherhood, that my mind seems more called towards one path or another. There are no closed doors like you said, just some doors I may have to push harder on as time passes. Thank you for reading and for your encouraging comment. I appreciate you being here.
I'm going to say this as nicely as possible. Please, just stop. It is infuriating when some says "Oh, but you might change your mind".
Although I don't anticipate changing my mind, I cannot fully close myself off to that possibility. Randy is a friend and I appreciate his, and everyone else's, perspectives on parenthood. Thank you for reading Kim and thank you also for sharing in your below comment about your decision to not have children!
This was beautiful. I too have never wanted children (even from a young age) and there is nothing I value more than my sovereignty! (And I am also part of WOP 11!)
Never did I ever think I would see you in my comments and how moly I am blushing. Thank you so much Elle. I was so shocked (in the best way possible) to see you in the WoP live session. I hope that our paths cross over the next five weeks and if not, I would love to chat when time lends itself. I value your writing immensely and I am so grateful you took the time to read and leave me your kind words.
Oh my god you know my work? What an honor!!!! Your writing is incredible and I would be happy to chat at any time!!!!!!!!!!! Hit me up! elle@elysian.press!
Stumbled on this via Latham’s share. I want to just shout from the rooftops: SAME GIRL SAME. I wish I had read this at least a decade (if not more) ago. I’m 43 now and have made so much peace with my decision, but I wish I had this eloquent and emotionally charged defense at my disposal way back when (right down to the “unwanted” and “doormat”) Also: Goes without saying but you are worth your weight in gold with or without offspring.
E.L., wow. Thank you for such a thoughtful comment. I am so glad that you found this post through Latham and likewise, I am so happy that you have found peace with your decision. This essay was scary to publish - I often feel like I stand alone on this island of not desiring children - but it is comments like yours that make me realize I am in good company. Thank you for reading and for sharing part of your story. It means so much.
You’re so welcome!! And this made ME feel in gods company too, double win!
This piece had a depth and flow that was scroll stopping strong. I couldn't look away and now here I am, a contemplative spending far more than seconds in your comments section.
At this time all I can find is an invitation for us to converse again. What a subject!
Oh boy, I know when Steven Foster comments on my essay I did something right haha. Thank you for reading and for pausing to offer me your thoughts. I look forward to all of our conversations whenever I am so lucky as to have them. I am grateful for you.
"It fatigues me to constantly question if I am well-suited to be a mother. I just learned how to love myself. I owe that to my eight-year-old self."
This resonated so deeply.
Emma, thank you for commenting and for reading 💛 I feel warmth that this essay resonates with you and at the same time, bit of sadness that line in particular called out to you. Hugs.
I treasured every moment of this and it captured my feelings of being childless by choice so well.
I'm 31 years old, and still get asked this question. Some older people still insist that I will change my mind--but I already did. When I was a child I wanted kids, and then I realized it wasn't for me.
Hi again Amanda! Thank you so much for leaving me your kind words. It is such a funny thing right? - the outside pressure to follow the same life path. I can speculate for days about what the root of this is but often I settle on people wanting others to experience the delight of parenting. For some of us, this same delight just comes from other pockets of life!
This is just excellent. I'm so lucky to know you.
Camilo. Those 10 words made me cry. I am so lucky to know you as well. I wish I could give you a hug - hopefully sometime soon.
*ghost hug*
I have had so many people smugly smile at me and tell me I'd change my mind about wanting kids. Well, guess what? It's definitely not gonna happen now because it's all be yanked out. Bite me.
I think that we have one duty in life and that is to do as our hearts tell us to do.
You shared a bit of your story when you reshared this essay - thank you for sharing and thank you for setting an example that there is no right and wrong as it pertains to our bodies. I am sorry you went through the throes of medical professionals denying you what you felt was right for you. Thank you for reading Patricia
Beautiful, thank you for your vulnerability and careful craft. So much of this resonates with me. During years of struggle with infertility, I learned to answer people who blatantly asked, "When are you having kids?" with "Why do you want to know?" There's no excuse for pressuring anyone on such a tender, private subject. Especially in the casual, thoughtless way it's usually asked. Your life is your business.
Our son is 21 now, a fine young man. Being his mother is a great honor and difficulty, joyful and painful beyond what I ever imagined. I've always held my own creative life, my purpose for being here, as precious and worthy of protection. It's a tough balance, even still.
Thank you so much for your comment Julie. I have listened to the pains of close family members and friends who have grieved through infertility and miscarriage. I am sorry that the pain of infertility was a part of your journey. Like you said, the choice to bring life into this world IS tender; I think we often forget just how tender it is. There is pain and joy and honor that comes with motherhood and I am happy that amongst those emotions you have found balance in your life to preserve your creative self and purpose. Thank you for sharing and for being here!
This is so so so so so real and I’m so so so so so glad you wrote this. What an incredible piece. Thank you for writing Haley 🤍
Thank you so much Grace 💛
You beautifully illustrated one of the (many) struggles of being a woman. I love how you wove elements of yourself from different periods in your life into this essay. Your writing is captivating and so vulnerable. I haven't been able to get the quote "Fear that screams that womanhood is less meaningful if it is not motherhood". I have never been able to put that particular feeling into words the way you did. I think this essay can make a lot of women feel seen. Thank you for sharing such a personal story.
Thank you Olivia 💛 I didn’t have those words until they came out of me either. I hope you’ll find that is the joy of Write of Passage. Being surrounded by creators and artists, brings wisdom and words to the surface you didn’t even know you possessed. Thank you for helping me bring this essay to life.
Hi Haley, as a mom, childless women are/have been my best allies in creating real,village-like community for my girls. Other moms are often too invested in their own kids, their own stuff,or just totally burned out. I think there are so many times and ways we can step into that mother role without birthing children. Especially in the baby stage of mothering, it's very isolating, so even just being the friend who shows up with coffee or juice is a big f-ing deal. I don't keep in touch with a friend, but I still remember that she showed up at my house with fresh juice when I had a new baby. Being a mom has transformed my life and who I am in really beautiful ways AND it's really hard. I think you can have a beautiful, challenging life either way.
Amy this was such a lovely comment to read. The first thing that comes to mind is “it takes a village”. No matter how many times this phrase gets repeated it will never become a cliche for me. We all play integral roles and I really appreciate that you honor the roles that other women play as indirect caregivers.
Thank you for reading, commenting, and sharing your support. This comment brought me great joy and ease.
I decided I didn’t want to have kids at 7 years old and I never changed my mind. Best decision I made. One day I’ll have to actually write about this. I’m coming to realize that way back then I instinctively knew that I’d end up having to raise myself all over again as an adult.
Sarah I feel like this is a 4-sentence summary of my 1,500 word essay haha! I'd love to hear how that early decision has impacted your life and shaped the person you are. Thank you for sharing. I feel less alone in what has always made me feel like an outsider. Thank you for reading!
Hi Haley, I’m glad my 4 sentences made you feel less alone. Sometimes, as a 43 year old woman who never thought of having kids, I forgot how rare that decision is. I’ll hear ads on pandora geared towards busy moms and think, what are they talking about. When I was younger I thought I made that decision because of how I saw my Mom struggle as a mother of 6 with an alcoholic, broke ass husband. I couldn’t imagine having had a child in my 20’s and trying to discover myself and grow up all over again. It would have been a disaster, especially since I chose to follow in the footsteps of the substance abuse my dad displayed. I started getting sober at the start of the pandemic. My choice to not have kids feels so natural to me. I thank my 7 year old self for my wisdom, and you should, too.
This is such a powerful essay Haley. I’m somewhat speechless (wordless?)
You continue to impress and inspire me with your vulnerability and honesty that sings through your writing.
Thank you for sharing your love through these words
Thank you so much Tommy. Seeing you in my comments always brings a smile to my face. Thank you for reading and always offering your kindness and encouragement. And likewise, thank you for writing in an equally honest, vulnerable way that feeds me inspiration.
Wow dude this was a really deep essay. Honestly. I feel like the comments here capture it really well. Powerful writing Haley!
I miss you Ishan. I hope to see your smiling face soon. Thank you for reading 💛
No kidding, I miss your smile too! I'm looking forward to read what you write this cohort :)